There is Something Wrong With My Baby!

I find myself  in this most unusual of positions.  I am going crazy, ready to pull out my hair.  My baby is 3 months old now.  I have not slept a full 8 hours in the last 3 months.  I am sleep deprived.  I am sore from nursing exclusively because she will not take formula and not even a bottle with breastmilk.  She is voraciously pacifier hungry; but I will not give in and force her.  I tried giving her one once and she spat it out.  Very rarely does she pass gas on her own.  She occasionally poops on her own.  She will not sleep on her back – she kicks and then starts screaming.  She cannot initiate sleep on her own.  She needs to fall asleep in the carseat.  Rocking the carseat will not do.  We have to swing the car seat.   And if that doesn’t work, more often than not, she needs a 3 mile car ride to go to sleep.

She has been treated by three different colleagues.  I have treated her myself several times with temporary relief and once given her a severe treatment reaction that had to be corrected by one of the three.  With that one exception, every time I treat her she is calmer, she nurses very well and empties me completely.  I can then fall back into bed for a 3hr respite.  When I was scared to touch her for fear of harming her, she was really bad.  She would not nurse and empty me completely so then I would have to get up and pump for fear of losing my supply.  She is now coneheaded.  Her anterior fontanelle is not soft, it does not pulsate.  Most people will say, “Oh, it is colic. She will outgrow it.”  Then they offer the standard advice.  Nothing has worked.  My baby is in pain. I know it. 

When other mothers come to me for help with the same complaint, I have not ever blown them off.  Colic is pain. Colic is headache.  Colic is gas.  I am able to help them.  Their baby sleep better, latch and nurse better, burp easier, reflux is reduced.  I freely admit that I cannot help my own baby.  I am a better mother to her than a doctor.  Why can’t I be both.  My Kathleen, the 20 month old – she got better with my colleagues’  help and I then continued treatments conservatively.  She sleeps fine without any problems.  Why oh why can’t Ihelp this one?  I have one last straw to grasp.  The opportunity will hopefully be available in 2 weeks.

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